im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
