I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Less talking, more tequila
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
