its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
