you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
