Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize