i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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