I think I died a long time ago.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
