When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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