i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
