her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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