so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
