I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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