Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
