Will you blow on my dice?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We left an ass print on the piano.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
