No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
