I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize