Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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