The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
