Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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