In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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