he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
