Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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