I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
