She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
