this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
