I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's blow job season.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
