Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
