Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
