Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
