hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
