Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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