When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
