Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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