zippers are such a cool invention
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
