I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
