he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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