Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
