Pants 0. Shit 1.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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