I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
