You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
