Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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