textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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