I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
