I cannot find my penis.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Holy sore nipples Batman
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