I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
