My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
