The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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