I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
