yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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