I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
