Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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