It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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