I think my vagina is haunted
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
