I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
