Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
