If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize