I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
