Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
