If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
