he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize