Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Randomize
