Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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