You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
