Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
