Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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