Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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