discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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